Getting Married – Some Basics

Assalamu ‘Alaikum Warahmat Allah Wabarakatuh,
I came across this document and thought I would share it with you. I have added a couple of comments and edited it so that it is not gender specific. I would be interested to know what questions / issues regarding this subject arise in your minds.
Jazak Allah Khayr al-Jazaa’
Getting Married – Some Basics
  • What is the right age for you to get married ?
  • Who will make that decision ?
  • Is it the age when your father or brother or cousin got married ?
  • What are the benefits of getting married early vs. delaying it ?
  • What is Islamic perspective in this regard ?
Islam and Marriage
Islam requires all men and women to get married when they are capable of doing so.
Allah commands the believers to marry for its moral, spiritual, social and psychological benefits. The Holy Quran has numerous verses dealing with the subject of marriage signifying its importance
The Holy Quran on Marriage:
He it is Who has created you from a single soul, and made therefrom its mate, that he might find comfort in her.(7:190)
They (your wives) are a garment for you, and you are a garment for them. (2:188)
Your wives are a tilth for you; so approach your tilth when and how you like and send ahead some good for yourselves (2:224)
And marry not idolatrous women until they believe; even a believing bond-woman is better than an idolatress, although she may highly please you…. These call to the Fire, but Allah calls to Heaven and to forgiveness by His command. (2:222)
The Holy Prophet’s (Peace and Blessing of Allah be on him) Advice:
“O young people! Whoever among you is able to marry, should marry, because it helps him lower his gaze and guard his modesty, and whoever is not able to marry, should fast, as fasting diminishes his sexual power.“ (Sahih Bukhari)
“Marriage is my precept and my practice. Those who do not follow my practice are not of me.” (Sunan Ibn Majah)
“When a man has married, he has completed one half of his religion.”  (Mishkat)
The Promised Messiah (Peace be on him) on the Purpose of Marriage:
Thus, as a wife has been designated as tilth … one of the purposes of marriage is that righteous servants of God may be born who may remember Him. The second purpose … is that husband and wife may safeguard themselves through each other against improper looks and misconduct. The third purpose is that mutual love develops between them safeguarding them against the distress of loneliness. All this is set out in the Holy Qur’ān…(Chashma-i-Ma‘rifat, Rūhānī Khazā’in, Vol. 23, pp. 292-293)
The Second Condition of Bai’at as laid out by Hadhrat Mirza Ghulam Ahmad (as), the Promised Messiah reads:
He/She shall keep away from falsehood, fornication, adultery, trespasses of the eye, debauchery, mischief and rebellion; and will not permit himself/herself to be carried away by passions, however strong they may be.
Frequently Asked Questions
Scenario 1: Too Busy To Marry!
I am a college / University student right now, and am busy with studies. Should I still consider getting married now? I just finished college and have started a job. I need to focus on my career. Should I still consider getting married?#
Marriage should also be a priority early in life in addition to college, work, and other business. The culture we live in looks down upon getting married early, and considers it an impediment to growth and progress in education and career. This is not true. Being married actually is helpful in many aspects, moral and emotional well-being being the main benefits, as highlighted by the verses of the Quran and hadith. A healthy relationship provides support in stressful times and an opportunity to share our happiness, successes and passions with someone we love and truly care about.
Every individual should assess his own personal situation and determine if marriage is the right thing for him to do at this time in his/her life, with prayers and consultation with their elders. Letters should also be written to huzoor (aba) and a request for prayers.
Scenario 2: Can’t Afford to Marry!
I don’t make enough money to be able to support a family. Should I still consider marriage?
It is a generally held misconception that one needs to be well established financially to get married, complete with a house and a car and all the accompaniments. If material wealth were the sole criterion for marriage, poor people would never get married!
A family’s financial situation goes through many stages, and early in life, a young couple has to make compromises anyway in order to make ends meet regardless of their standard of living and how established they were when they got married. If the prospective families understand the financial constraints well and are willing and supportive to work through it, it would not be an impediment to a healthy relationship. With Allah’s blessings, good fortune will also come and the couple’s situation would improve throughout their lives. And if Allah’s Will chooses financial difficulty, a supportive spouse can be very helpful during such stressful times.
Every individual and his family should assess the situation themselves, and there cannot be a general rule about this. The goal here is to get individuals to think outside the conventional assumptions and presuppositions about marriage. Again, people should approach this with prayers and consultation with their elders. They should also write a letter to huzoor and make a request for prayers.
Scenario 3: I want to marry a Non Ahmadi Girl!
I want to marry a non-Ahmadi girl. Allah allows marriage with even Jews and Christians, then why can’t I marry a non-ahmadi Muslim girl?
The Promissed Messiah (peace be upon him) and his Khulafa have repeatedly told the Jamaat that they should not marry outside the Jamaat. The main purpose of marriage is moral protection. By Allah’s permission we seek a relationship with a believing woman who will help us excel in the practice of our faith, and from whom Allah will bless us with righteous children. The desire to marry a non-Ahmadi Muslim girl falls short in both these regards. [This is because an Ahmadi have accepted that Hadrat Mirza Ghulam Ahmad (‘alayhi al-salam) is the Imam Mahdi and Messiah who is the Hakam ‘Adl of this age. This means that an Ahmadi has accepted that he has: (a) re-established the pure teachings of the Holy Prophet (sall Allahu ‘alayhi wa sallam), and (b) is acting as an appointee of Almighty Allah. It cannot be condusive to a healthy and productive marriage, for both the couple and their future children, if one of the spouses does not believe Hadrat Mirza Ghulam Ahmad (‘alayhi al-salam) to be legitimate on either of these counts]
Firstly, if the infatuation for a non-ahmadi girl is stronger than the love for the Promissed Messiah (peace be on him), then such a person may end up leaving Ahmadiyyat, and even end up denying the truth of the Promissed Messiah (as). In fact, he already has done so to some degree by clearly going against his instructions and his Khulafa.
Secondly, such a lady will be able to command the faith of their children away from Ahmadiyyat, and the sacrifices of our forefathers in the acceptance of Ahmadiyyat would, God forbid, go waste.
At a community level, this causes many problems. If Ahmadi boys start marrying outside the Jamaat, who will marry Ahmadi girls (our sisters)? This in turn would force them to either remain unmarried, or seek a marriage outside the Jamaat as well. So a man’s decision to marry outside the Jamaat inevitably hurts another family whose daughter is either waiting in marriage or considering the unthinkable as well.
The question of Islam allowing marriage with people of the book is a permission in rare cases so that such a marriage would be considered legitimate in the eye of the Shariah. It is not a blanket encouragement to Muslims to marry non-Muslim women. This can be seen from the practice of the Holy Prophet (peace be upon him) and his Companions as well. If one khadim has very strong reason for marrying outside the Jamaat, he should first discuss the matter with Hazrat Khalifatul Masih (aba). Marrying outside the Jamaat without permission would lead to Huzoor’s displeasure, and likely result in some form of reprimand.

26 thoughts on “Getting Married – Some Basics

  1. Dear cylindrical and nemo, reply posted. Please do inform me if I am incorrect because I am really interested in this topic.

    Dear blog owner, appreciate your efforts to support freedom of expression. It is heartening to see such a neutral and complain resolving moderator. Thank you for that.

  2. Dear cylindrical, I hope you know the difference between “DISCOURAGING” and “DIVORCING”. Do you know the effect and impact that a divorce carries?

    Even Jamaat has not asked people to divorce their already married wives (yes, even nonAhmadi ones), but Umar ibn Al Khattab (RA) went on and made a man divorce his wife… that is far far greater than prohibiting beforehand!!

    Did the Prophet (SalAllaho alaihai wa aalihi wasallam) not say : “Marry and do not divorce, undoubtedly the Throne of the Beneficient Lord shakes due to divorce”.

    Even those who deny the above Hadeeth do not deny that divorce is disliked(Source:

    Hence, Umar ibn Al Khattab (RA) went far far ahead in his pursuit to make filial life more pious, and the Jamaat has been far more moderate in the pursuit.

  3. In all fairness, you have been rushed off your feet and have been ready to respond day and night I’ve noticed, often within just a short space of time of posting (I sincerely hope you have a phone for this). It’s understandable that you might be away for long periods at times (e.g. shura perhaps).

    BTW have you got a short name we can use? I thought blog man was impolite but you do call yourself that on twitter. Can we call you Art?

  4. It was not intentional. Some of your posts, for some reason, go directly to the spam folder. I am often in a rush when I approve comments and so they are read and then allowed or not allowed. In such situations it is easy to forget to check the spam comments – particularly when 99% of them are a load of rubbish (i.e., adverts).

    Nevertheless, please accept my apology.

  5. Dear Mr. artofmisinformation,

    You have blocked my reply to Tariq, to your own post and a comment in the other thread. I’m only stating facts and presenting my conclusions. If you don’t agree with them you have the opportunity to post a counter-argument. Please don’t block my posts (or at least delete the parts that you find objectionable). Thank you.

  6. ‘Cylindrical’, such a discussion elsewhere will not be fruitful if you continue to consider my faith as belief in a subscribable cult whereas I acknowledge yours as your religion.

  7. @Khadim

    That is irrelevant to the discussion here. Ahmadis who wish to leave Ahmadiyya are not leaving Islam, are they? We can discuss that somwhere else.

  8. Umar ibn al Khattab (ra) only discouraged marrying Christian and Jewish women, he didn’t forbid it. He didn’t make it a punishable offence and people didn’t have to seek his permission before marrying. All of that is an innovation by your leaders.

    Hudhayfah (ra) actually made a point of it by REFUSING to divorce her. He challenged Umar (ra) on the legality of his order and Umar (ra) confirmed that there was nothing wrong with the marriage, he just didn’t like it. After that Hudhayfah (ra) divorced her.

    That’s the difference between Islam and Ahmadiyya. In Islam Allah’s law is above everything, in Ahmadiyya man-made laws and regulations come before Islam. As an Ahmadi you have to choose between your rights granted to you by Allah (SWT) or facing public humiliation for going against the Nizam.

    May Allah (SWT) guide you to Islam.

  9. Keeping in mind that exclusion from nizaam-e-Jama’at (voluntary or enforced) is not exclusion from Islam-e-Ahmadiyyat, may I ask ‘cylindrical’ what you believe to be the “exit strategy” for a Muslim who no longer wishes to be a part of Islam?

  10. This matter regarding marrying nonAhmadi women used to concern me when I was younger, specially due to the verses of the Quran. However, I did an Istekhara on it and Allah confirmed that I should not marry a nonAhmadi lady… however, like all revelation it did not carry thorough reasoning. Then one day I found a very interesting incident in Islamic history.

    It is reported that Hazrat Umar ibn Khattab (RA) [when he was the Caliph] ordered Huzaifa/Huthaifa ibn Al Yaman to divorce his Jewish wife. Huzaifa asked him about his reasons or tell him if this marriage was permissible or not… amazingly the reasons that Umar ibn Khattab (RA) presented are the very same reasons why Ahmadies do not marry nonAhmadies.

    MashAllah… if there is true Islam today, it is only Ahmadiyyat!!!
    All others can only envy and try to come up with petty excuses!

  11. Good point Nemo. Ahmadiyya should give Ahmadis who no longer wish to be part of it an exit strategy. But I fear that will never happen. The threat of public humiliation is a powerful tool used to keep Ahmadis in check. Anything and everything can be punished with an expulsion, after which their names are read out at meetings in the whole country (talk about gheebah…). That is, of course, a terrifying prospect for anyone.

    Once that threat is taken away Ahmadis will probably walk away in droves. Or they will at least start questioning the practices of their leadership, which will be unable to defend any of it.

  12. . @artofm – I agree people want to come back and beg for forgiveness in cases when they were already so much attached to the jamaat. But what about those distant ahmadis, particularly young ones? In my opinion such action only drives them further away. In fact I know this for a fact in several cases. I honestly feel that had things been dealt with differently and more effectively, they wouldn’t end up feeling so bitter for the jamaat and doing things that perhaps are completely out of character, to a point where they think it’s too late to turn back again (and perhaps start sharing their angry feelings online and making similar angry friends!)

    On a separate note, do you think it could be possible one day for someone to make a request for their own details to be removed from tajneed and all the usual restrictions on request without most people being made aware and without any announcements made?

    The point I’m getting at is perhaps there are some people who just want to be left completely alone without members of their family ever having to know or bare the shame of a family member being disgracefully expelled. No chanda collectors knocking at the door, no pressure in cases of boys for night duties, and above all not be forced to take an oath pledge knowing that they can’t keep to it and stay honest to the pledge. Is there a discreet way out without the world knowing, without even the closest family members being informed? I hope there is because there is no compulsion in religion and they are told time and again that if they want to leave then they are free to leave, Unfortunately its not as simple as that and I feel the voluntary exit strategy should be reviewed perhaps, with flexibility and welcoming approach to return back to the nizaam after a person feels they have self reflected and matured. In fact there are probably people who are reading this comment who are probably absolutely disgusted by my suggestion (sorry) and may think that these people should just go and the jamaat has no need for the chanda from such members. I say to that all the more need for both parties to work together for a peaceful resolution.

  13. I am not sure why this particular point has to be stressed over and over again. I have never witnessed the Ahmadi Muslim Jama’at issue a fatwah of takfir as a punishment for a transgression, ever. A Jama’at punishment does not equate to a fatwa of takfir, which it would be if, as you have wrongly suggested, the Jama’at said that according to the Shari’ah Mr. X is no longer an Ahmadi Muslim because he married against the rules of the Nizam-e-Jama’at. The punishment, in the most extreme cases, is that a person is in practice banished from the Nizam – being the formal organisation. This in no way declares that someone is not an Ahmadi Muslim any more. It really is not a difficult concept to grasp. If someone is a Muslim living in a city and is banished from that city due to a transgression, we cannot infer from that that he is no longer a Muslim. He is a Muslim who is not permitted to enter the city. The letter you have referred to states this exactly.

    Also, as I have mentioned before, my beloved Hudur (ayyadahu Allah ta’ala bi-nasrihi al-‘aziz) stated just a few weeks ago in a Khutbah that it is in fact sometimes the case that once a person is removed from the Nizam-e-Jama’at he/she becomes a stronger Ahmadi than when in the Nizam-e-Jama’at. The reason being that while he was in the Nizam he took things for granted and did not recognise the benefit of being closely attached to Khilafat, only to then realise the gem he had in his life after it is no longer there. Such people then write to my beloved Hudur (ayyadahu Allah ta’ala bi-nasrihi al-‘aziz) highlighting this point, apologising, and then asking if they can be again included in the Nizam. This is, in fact, often the case with many people who have been removed from the Nizam or chose to leave it voluntarily.

  14. I asked for an islamic justification, you only pesented your own opinion. If asking the Nizaam was only an option and not compulsary, then why the punishment? Why are people kicked out of the ‘real Islam’ for marrying non-Ahmadis? A paper leaked today (you know where to find it) clearly refutes your point.

    The article was implying that the verse regarding marriages with Christian and Jewish women was only revealed to legalise already existing Christian and Jewish marriages, and was not a blanket permission to marry them. I asked for evidence, because as far as I know that is not the case. Muslim men are allowed to marry Christian and Jewish women. Period.

    That’s also the reason why your other argument is invalid. Christians don’t believe in the Prophet (SAW), Jews don’t believe in Isa (AS) or Rasulullah (SAW), and yet Muslim men are allowed to marry their women. You are saying that Ahmadis are not allowed to marry Muslims because they didn’t accept the Mahdi and Massih. But you also don’t consider us a non-believers, as the another article stated. At the same time you treat us like kuffar or even worse, since your boys aren’t allowed to marry non-Ahmadi girls, while in Islam boys can marry Christian and Jewish women. So what is it now?

    It’s Mirza Ghulam Ahmad’s claim of prophethood that creates this confusion and forces you to invent rules and regulations that are contrary to Islam. That alone is enough to dismiss Mirza Ghulam Ahmad’s claim.

    Accepting or rejecting the Mahdi and Massih does not make or break a Muslim. They will do their job regardless of us accepting or rejecting them. The Mahdi will not be a prophet, and the Massih will come for Christians and Jews to bring them to Islam. That is our belief and does not force us to contradict the Quran or Sunnah even an iota.

    Your last point is irrelevant since you claim to be Muslims. If you want to use that rule as justification, then you will have to accept that you have invented a new religion.

  15. Jazak Allah for your comment Rehan. Please do share your thoughts openly or feel free to e-mail me. It is important that everyone feels free to express their views openly. In many cases the posts I put up are starting points and the comments which unfold, based on people’s life experience, evolve the post to a more rounded position. Therefore, everyone’s comments are valuable – regardless of whether or not we each agree with one another.

  16. I was just going to voice my very strong disagreements with some points raised in this piece but on second thoughts I think I’ll leave it since this is, after all, a public forum. Suffice it to say that I don’t think one can offer generalisations on such a subject.

  17. This matter regarding marrying nonAhmadi women used to concern me when I was younger, specially due to the verses of the Quran. However, I did an Istekhara on it and Allah confirmed that I should not marry a nonAhmadi lady… however, like all revelation it did not carry thorough reasoning. Then one day I found a very interesting incident in Islamic history.

    It is reported that Hazrat Umar ibn Khattab (RA) [when he was the Caliph] ordered Huzaifa/Huthaifa ibn Al Yaman to divorce his Jewish wife. Huzaifa asked him about his reasons or tell him if this marriage was permissible or not… amazingly the reasons that Umar ibn Khattab (RA) presented are the very same reasons why Ahmadies do not marry nonAhmadies.

    MashAllah… if there is true Islam today, it is only Ahmadiyyat!!!
    All the other can only envy!

  18. Cylindrical yet again, you are at it. Twisting and misinterpreting things. You have picked on the opinion of Nemo, and then used it for your convenience to propagate your blurred vision.

    First of all nowhere in the article it says the “ultimate decision” is with Huzoor, however as an Ahmadi who has signed up to the Bait form, one is expected to take permission from Huzoor since one is taking a step which is not conforming to the norm and could cause problems for him/her and their progeny in future. The “ultimate decision”, however, is with the individual. It will be a matter between them and their God. On one hand Mujaddid, Khulafa and Prophets – all of them try to help others to forge the relationship between an individual and Allah; but at the end of the day it is up to the individual, not to these reformers on how he maintains that relationship. Cylindrical, as you know very well Allah says “there is no compulsion in the religion” [2:257].

    The need for obtaining permission is explained very well in the article, so I don’t want to repeat it. However if one is denied permission it does not mean that they are compelled, based on what I mentioned above. However God-fearing Ahmadis are expected not to go against the decision, as it says in the Holy Qur’an
    O ye who believe! obey Allah, and obey His Messenger and those who are in authority among you. [4:60]
    As an Ahmadi who is firm in faith believes that Khalifa is in authority over him/her if they do follow this injunction; what problem have you got with it Cylindrical?
    You also asked “What kind of rare cases” with regards to marriage with people of the book. Tell me something, what is the proportion of marriage between Muslims and People of Book ? Are they very common? Or rare? If the verse you have quoted was blanket permission, why do we not see this as a common practice amongst muslims. Why don’t you think this through for once sir?

    Let me explain why the inter-faith marriage is categorised into “rare case” from the perspective of Qur’an and Hadith. While the permission has been given to marry the girls from People of the book, it also says
    [2:222] And marry not idolatrous women until they believe; even a believing bond-woman is better than an idolatress, although she may highly please you. And give not believing women in marriage to idolaters until they believe; even a believing slave is better than an idolater, although he may highly please you. …
    I don’t think that the above requires further clarification, and firmly establishes that a believing woman regardless of the social status is better for a believer. Before it is argues that this verse deals with idolaters, let me also say that people of the book- ingeel- are also idol worshippers.

    Now moving on to the accusation about Ahmadis not marrying non Ahmadi, the root of it can be found in the following Hadith
    The Holy Prophet (peace and blessings of Allah be on him) said:
    “Some people marry for beauty, others for rank, and others for wealth; but you should marry a good and pious woman.”

    That is the directive from our Master, Mercy for all worlds, the Seal of Prophets (SA). How can an Ahmadi claim that a non Ahmadi , who refuses to accept the true and ardent devotee of the Holy Prophet(SA), the seal of Khulafa (AS), to be pious? Do we go against the teaching of Holy Prophet (SA) and disobey him and disobey Allah by going against Quranic teaching?

    You also asked “And since you put Muslims into the people-of-the-book category: are you finally declaring a new religion?”

    Well, you are again taking quotes out of context. I am not surprised though. Have you read what is written immediately after that? It deals with the issue of Muslims marrying non Muslims, addressing those Ahmadis who may wish to marry outside Islam. This issue was being dealt with after the issue of marriage with a non Ahmadi Muslim was dealt with. However since you are nitpicking let me also say that all of us are people of the book, you and me. Ahamdi Muslims and Non Ahmadi Muslims . We Ahmadis are muslims too, we claim so and will continue to do so no matter what you lot say.. get it?

    Finally here is a question for you, Cylindrical. You accused “that’s just another way of controlling an ordinary Ahmadi’s life”. Now if a non Muslim accused Islam of being rigid and controlling even in marriage how would you respond? Especially with regards to Muslim Women having no choice. I know what I and my fellow Ahmadis would say. It will be similar to what is said in the above article. What would you say to them Cylindrical?

    May Allah Guide us all in the right path Ameen

  19. I dont think it has anything to do with taking permission from Hazur ATBA or anything like that. It is all to do with desirability/preferability. Most muslims would agree that whilst Islam permits marrying people of the book it is not preferable in the current climate in the West. I have seen two such cases where the marriages did not work mainly because the children grew up confused as to their identity, their mother would drink whilst their father would not! Obviously they went on the more liberal side which sent them into liberal Christianity drinking, parties etc.Hence as the above article states the permission is not a blanket encouragement, this fact is borne out by the relative rarity of such marriages. They are permissible of course, but if they were desirable (like the iphone 4s) we would expect to see loads of them. The fact we don’t should speak volumes of how much Muslims prefer to marry “of the book” given the unintended consequences on children etc.

    Coming to the second point, what is rather ironic is that non Ahmadi Muslims are girl/boy are NOT allowed to marry Ahamdi Muslims fullstop. This can be checked with anyone, obviously because they consider us Kafir yet they are upset that Hazur ATBA has forbidden marriages the other way round. Fundamentally it comes back to the same reason as above and a bit extra. Your life partner should ideally share the same belief system as yourself unless you are planning on raising the children in a very confused manner. Having accepted the Imam of Hazrat Muhammad PBUH is a great blessing and privelege which needs to be passed on through the generations and its significance understood. To marry someone who considers the Servant and Imam of Hazrat Muhammad PBUH nauzobillah a kafir etc would not sit well woth most people furthermore he or she considers you Kafir as well, not a great start. Again this is not about I slamic law/ or Shariah which is clear, of course you can marry other Muslims. Hazur ATBA has given guidance just as any parent would when their son/daughter asks about someone regarding SUITABILITY for marriage and the reasons are self evident


  20. AA

    The 4th Khalifah, Mirza Tahir Ahmad (ra) so eloquently covered the 3rd scenario in his Q and A session.
    Is a Ahmadi Muslim permitted to marry a non-Ahmadi Muslim?

    What is the status of a marriage between an Ahmadi Muslim woman and a non-Ahmadi Muslim man?

    This certainly answers the misconceptions and allegations laid out against our blessed Jamaat.

    The relationship with Allah swt is certainly more important than worldly relationships.


  21. That’s just another way of controling the ordinary Ahmadi’s life. Can anyone show me the islamic justification for this requirement? Since when do you need the Khalifas or any Imams permission to marry someone?

    In Islam the boy requires no permission at all, the girl requires the permission of her father, since he is her wali. That’s it. No other authority has to be involved in a marriage pact.

    You said “The question of Islam allowing marriage with people of the book is a permission in rare cases”

    Please provide evidence. What kind of rare cases? Because as far as I know there are no restrictions according to the Quran:

    “This day [all] good foods have been made lawful, and the food of those who were given the Scripture is lawful for you and your food is lawful for them. And [lawful in marriage are] chaste women from among the believers and chaste women from among those who were given the Scripture before you, when you have given them their due compensation, desiring chastity, not unlawful sexual intercourse or taking [secret] lovers. And whoever denies the faith – his work has become worthless, and he, in the Hereafter, will be among the losers.” (5:5)

    As long as the mahr is paid the marriage is valid.

    And since you put Muslims into the people-of-the-book category: are you finally declaring a new religion?

  22. Jazakallah for presenting the clarity on ahmadi boys marrying non-ahmadi girls (people of the book). The ultimate decision therefore rests with huzur.

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